Enjoyable
Time Together 		UNL

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Is it quality time or quantity of time that's important? According to researchers Nick Stinnett and John DeFrain, it's both! In a survey of over 3,000 families living in the United States and abroad, time together was identified as one of six characteristics found in families who seem best prepared to meet the challenges of modern-day living.

     "We know that poor relationships within the family are related to many of the problems in society," note family life researchers Nick Stinnett and John DeFrain.
     "Strong families are made. Step by step," they proclaim. And spending time together - quality time in large quantities - has been found to be one of the important steps necessary to achieving a strong family.

Benefits of spending time together
     "Families benefit from shared time because it eases loneliness and isolation, nurtures relation-ships and creates a family identity," they explain.
     Furthermore, strong families understand that communication simply isn't going to be good unless they have time together.

Quantity vs. Quality
     The debate over "quality vs. quantity" has raged for years but to the families surveyed by Stinnett and DeFrain, "...quantity and quality appear to go hand in hand. The time they spend together needs to be good time; no one enjoys hours of bickering, arguing, pouting or bullying. Time also needs to be sufficient; quality interaction isn't likely to develop in a few minutes together."
     "Quality time" can take on a variety of dimensions. Quality time means, not only the entire family being together as a group, but it also requires planning opportunities for one-on-one relationships to grow, as well.

Overcoming barriers to shared family time
     With all the pressures on today's families, how do they make time to spend with each other? How do they manage to have weekly family time plus regular, one-on-one times with individuals?
     Stinnett and DeFrain acknowledge that one of the realities of modern life is that many activities and persons compete for our attention and time. While strong families are not exempted from this shortage of time, they have learned some creative ways of "eeking" out time to create memories together:

 Share meals together on a regular basis.
Use this time to share triumphs and tribulations or just to keep up on current events. Use this time as a "family meeting" to plan upcoming events or solve problems. Or simply use this time to enjoy each other.

(HINT: Enhance mealtime by turning off the television and turning on the answering machine!)

 Work together as a team to get chores done.
Turn lemons into lemonade by using "chores" to teach children important life skills and get the jobs done. Demonstrate skills and work alongside children until they master each task. One mother I know cherishes her time as a child spent drying dishes because it was her opportunity to interact with her mother and sisters. She deliberately put off purchasing a dishwasher so that she could continue this tradition with her own children!

 Play together.
Whether its indoors sitting by a fire, reading books aloud, playing board games or putting together a puzzle OR outdoors involved in summer or winter activities, time spent in recreation obviously provides an excellent opportunity for interaction with family members.

(A Special Note About Television: Many of the strong families surveyed by Stinnett and DeFrain felt television was an interruption that demanded too much attention so they had strict limits on the use of TV in their homes. Others simply tried to improve the time spent watching television by using it as an opportunity to discuss issues presented through commercials and programming, alike.)

 Celebrate special events.
Personal observances such as birthdays as well as holidays and vacations are times when family members should be together.

 Participate in community activities.
With all the commitments facing families today, it should be some relief to know that time spent together need not be spent in isolation! Attending activities at school, Scouting or 4-H as well as at church events are all ways that family members can show support for each other. In addition, volunteering as a family to assist with local service projects not only provides another opportunity for families to work and play together but it also lends itself to helping children develop a sense of pride associated with being a contributing member of the community.

Some special tips for families with teens
The Search Institute, a non-profit research firm, has surveyed over 100,000 young people from across the country. Their findings revealed the following tips about guiding youngsters through the teen years:
Set limits on how often kids can go out with their friends during the school week. Have a family meeting to determine what seems reasonable and fair, starting with a basic guideline of four nights at home.
Be firm about four nights at home, but not inflexible. Encourage your children to get involved in creative activities, youth programs, and service to others. Make a distinction between having "something specific to do" and having "nothing special to do."
Monitor where your children go and who they"re with, even when they're teenagers.
Limit the number of nights per week that students can be involved in school or community activities.
Allow your children to invite friends over on some of their "at home" nights. Example: Maybe the science study group could meet at your house, or your kids' friends could gather to watch videos.
Limit the amount of time your children spend at home alone. Plan to be home with them as much as you can. Sit down to dinner together. Be available to help with homework or just talk.
If your teenager has a part-time job, limit it to 15 hours a week or less during the school year. Studies have shown that teenagers who work more than 15 hours a week have more problems than those who work fewer hours.
Limit the number of evenings adults are expected to participate in activities and meetings so they can spend more time at home with their children.
(Excerpted from What Kids Need to Succeed: Proven, Practical Ways to Raise Good Kids by Peter L. Benson, Ph.D., Judy Galbraith, M.A., and Pamela Espeland © 1998, 1994 by Search Institute and Free Spirit Publishing Inc. Used with permission from Free Spirit Publishing Inc., Minneapolis, MN; 1-800-735-7323; www.freespirit.com. All rights reserved.)

The bottom line is . . . Commitment
     Stinnett and DeFrain (as well as other family life researchers) have concluded, "Members of the strong families have learned that it isn't enough to speak of commitment to the family or to plan to show it 'someday.' They must demonstrate that commitment NOW. Nowhere is their commitment more clearly demonstrated than in the amount of time they spend together." Families are admonished that "...family times don't just happen. They have to be planned."

     But some counselors also admit that short, regular periods of time spent together can also be effective in building relationships. Learn to be flexible and creative using every moment that presents itself to connect with family members in meaningful ways.

References
Benson, P., Galbraith, J., and Espeland, P. (1994). What Kids Need to Succeed. Minneapolis: Freespirit Publishing, Inc.
Covey, S. (1997) The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Families, New York: Franklin Covey Search Institute, http://www.search_institute.org/
Stinnett, N. and DeFrain, J. (1985). Secrets of Strong Families. Boston: Little, Brown and Company.

Strong Families
Share Family Meals Together
Have children help plan menus, shop for groceries and prepare food. They'll be much more willing participants if they've contributed to mealtime in some way.
Develop a family "tradition". One family I know has "chili night" each Friday evening. A favorite, easy-to-fix menu streamlines food preparation and allows for more time spent together.
Have "fix-your-own" meals where family members construct their own sub, pizza, taco, etc.. This type of meal can often be the centerpiece for starting dinner conversation!
Sit facing each other during meals (avoid eating at a counter) to improve the opportunity for interaction.
Have family members remain seated at the table for a specified period of time. Younger children may be required to sit for 15 minutes even if they don't feel like eating. Families with older children may be able to extend dinner time when conversation really blossoms!
Avoid interruptions. Either take the phone off the hook or turn on the answering machine during mealtime. Manage the television, as well, to reduce distractions.

Participate in Community Activities
Make participation in school, church and youth activities a family affair. For instance, celebrate following a program at school with a favorite treat like pie or sundaes for everyone.
Attend a special community event as a family. Watch your local news media for activities.
Volunteer. Consider what organizations in your community are seeking help and volunteer as a family on a regular basis.
Adopt a grandparent. Shovel snow, mow, carry groceries or take baked goods to an elderly person who needs help or just companionship.
Know Nebraska. Visit a museum, park or other attraction near your home.

Play Together
Start a family fun night. Pick a regular night each week. Begin the evening with dinner. Plan a different activity each week to keep interest in the event alive.
Make physical activity a lifestyle behavior. Take a walk, hike or bike ride together.
Learn a new skill together. Enroll in clubs, attend a class or read a book to get you started.
Play a game together. Board games, card games...even video games or crossword puzzles all stimulate interaction between participants! Just don't allow competition to become divisive!
Put a puzzle together as a family.
Read a book together. Even teens like to be read to!
Watch a video together. Use videos and television as a springboard for discussions.
Have an indoor picnic. Simply spread the tablecloth on the floor!
Build a snowman together.
Fly a kite together.
Look over scrapbooks together. Visit with grandparents about "the good ol' days".

Work Together
Break jobs into smaller assignments and share the workload. Small children can set the table or make a salad while parents prepare the main dish. Children can rake while parents mow the yard. One child can dust while another vacuums and adults do more difficult tasks.
Make a contest out of getting jobs done.
Offer a reward (an activity shared together) for the entire group when all tasks are completed.

American Family Strengths Inventory

Put an "S" for Strength beside the qualities you feel your family has achieved and a "G" beside those qualities which are an area of potential Growth. If the particular characteristic does not apply to your family or is not a characteristic important to you, put an "NA" for Not Applicable.

Sharing Time Together In Our Family
______ We have a number of common interests.
______ We like to have fun together.
______ We feel comfortable with each other.
______ We like to give each other a chance to do new things.
______ We enjoy hearing our grandparents' stories about the past.
______ We enjoy simple, inexpensive family activities.
______ We like to have a place we call 'home'.
______ We feel strongly connected to each other.
______ Hanging out together builds strong relationships.
______ We have lots of good times together.
______ We often laugh with each other.
______ Observing family rituals and customs is important to us.
______ We enjoy sharing memories with each other.
______ We enjoy having unplanned, spontaneous activities together.
______ All things considered, we have adequate time for each other, and we enjoy the time we share together.

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