Lynne Osborn, Extension Educator
University of Nebraska Cooperative Extension
We all need to feel we have the approval of others. Children are no different. Discouraged children often misbehave; encouragement is a tool parents and teachers can use to help children feel respected and valued, therefore minimizing misbehavior. Psychologist Rudolph Dreikurs said, "Children need encouragement, just as plants need water. They cannot survive without it."
Do you know the difference between praise and encouragement? Encouragement fosters self-confidence while praise more often results in dependence on others. Appreciation addresses the action specifically ("You did a great job getting up this morning."), asks for the opinion of another ("What do you think about this?") or asks questions. Praise is patronizing ("Good boy."), expects conformity or is judgmental ("Thank you for sitting like your sister."). If you aren't sure whether something you say is encouragement or praise, ask yourself these questions: Am I being respectful or patronizing? Would I make this comment to another adult? While children shouldn't always be treated as adults, they must be respected the same way.
Timing is important when making a statement of appreciation. If a misbehavior is involved, wait until after both you and your child have had some time to cool down. Neither the giver nor receiver is open to encouragement in the heat of battle! The fact that you meet with your child to work out a solution to the problem exhibits encouragement. You are letting your child know that you value his or her opinion and that what is said is important in finding a solution to the problem.
As you work with your child, understanding is key. That doesn't mean you agree or condone what your child has done. It simply means you can, or have, put yourself in that same position and you understand your child's viewpoint. Understanding means you want your child to work toward improvement, not perfection. Remember to be realistic; after all, no one is perfect!
This week, practice several opportunities to encourage your child. When you have tried encouraging statements, call Dundy County Cooperative Extension at 423-2021 or 800-485-0219 or e-mail at losborn1@unl.edu and let us know what you discovered about your child.
Source: Positive Discipline by Jane Nelsen, Ed. D.
