Many of us grew up with parents and other significant adults who denied the intensity or existence of our feelings. They would say things like, "You don't have any reason to be upset" or "It can't be that bad" or "You're making a mountain out of a molehill." If you were raised in this kind of home, emotions were considered to be the enemy and to be avoided at all cost. It is not surprising that feelings are still a mystery now that you have become parents.
Learning to respond empathetically to our children's emotions is critical in helping kids to feel loveable and competent. One of our goals as parents therefore should be to help children know how they feel and to teach them appropriate ways of expressing these feelings. Children whose feelings are accepted and who receive support to express them in an acceptable way can eventually release them. These kids are less likely to feel the need to sulk, whine or hold a grudge. It's when the child's negative feelings are accepted that they have room to fully enjoy the good feelings.
Acknowledgement doesn't mean approval. This is a common misconception. The truth is, we can accept our children's feelings without allowing unacceptable. We can be permissive with feelings while setting clear, firm limits on behavior. When we acknowledge our children's feelings, it doesn't mean we agree with them. It simply means we hear them. Here are some basic tools for acknowledging feelings:
Listen to your child with undivided attention. Stop whatever else you may be doing. Make eye contact. Avoid the tendency to jump in with instant advice or solutions.
Let them know you are listening. Say things like "oh", "mmm", and "I see." When kinds are upset, they need more than silent listening. Trivial as it may sound, reassuring grunts lets your child know that you are listening. Say, "I hear you, and I want you to keep talking."
Give kids' feelings a name. When children are upset, they are so immersed in their feelings that often they can't identify them. For example, if your son says, "Joey's mother is mean. She won't let him play," reflect back to him what you think he is feeling: "You seem disappointed that Joey can't come over to play." When we label feelings, children immediately recognize the truth of the label.
This week listen to your children, help them identify their feelings, and let them know you understand their feelings. Have them describe their feelings, so you can help them learn to express how they feel. They will feel better about themselves if they know someone cares about how they feel. What can you say when your child comes home upset about something that happened at school? Practice acknowledging your children's feelings every day.
Go to unlforfamilies.unl.edu and click on TIPS to let us know how things are going.
Sources: The Magic of Encouragement: Nurturing Your Child's Self-Esteem by Stephanie Marston. Enriching Family Relationships, January 1997, University of Nebraska Cooperative Extension. Written by Jeanne Murray, Extension Educator.
