Myrna DuBois, Extension Educator
University of Nebraska Cooperative Extension
Most of us spend our days talking to other people. Co-workers, family, friends. But do we always hear what they are saying? And do we always give them an opportunity to say what they want to say? Sometimes we may shut off the conversation before it gets started.
Listening is an important part of communication. If we talk, talk, talk, then we have stated our own viewpoint, but do we have any idea what the other person's viewpoint is? In order to really communicate, we sometimes need to stop talking!
As we listen to the other person, we can ask good questions to draw out their story. Not nosey questions. But ones appropriate to the topic. "What did you think about that?" "Then what happened?" And "Has this ever happened before?" are good questions. If you can't think of a good question, then a simple response such as "Um." Or "I see." Or "Tell me more." Works fine.
There are some things that cause most any conversation to stop dead in its tracks, however. One of those is reacting with anger or yelling. Hardly anyone is going to tell you anything if you are angry. To keep the doors of communication open, stay calm. If you can't, walk away. Say, "I'm upset now, let's talk about this later." Finish the conversation later, after you have calmed down.
Another sure door slammer is passing judgement on what they are saying. "That was a dumb thing to say," will stop the communication short. So will "I don't believe you." You may disagree with the person, but you do not need to be disagreeable. Let's rephrase these two statements. "Are you sure that's what you mean?" may help. Or try, "I'm not sure I agree with what you're saying, but tell me more."
In some cases, praise can stop a conversation. Giving complements is a good thing, but not necessarily when they need to be listened to. Take this conversation, for example: "Mom, everyone else in my class is dating by now." "Well, honey, you're the prettiest girl in your class, anyway." That just doesn't help. Identifying their feelings will help a lot more. "That's pretty disappointing, huh." Telling her she's pretty may cause her to flounce away in frustration. Identifying her disappointment may start a good conversation. Tell your daughter she's pretty, definitely, but not at times like this.
Sometimes we just get so caught up in our own ideas that we forget the other person. We may try to go them one better. "If you think that's bad, you should hear what happened to me." Listen to the other person's story first. Find out what they're thinking. Then tell your story, but not with the intent of having a better story, rather as a sharing of an experience.
There are some general comments that cut off conversation. A small child ran up to her friend and said, "Guess what! I got new roller skates." The friend's reply? "So!" It's not only children who do this. Adults are guilty of it, too. Treat others with respect. What they say is important to them. Don't cut it off. Relationships will be stronger.
This week, look at the ways you might slam the door on communication with your children. Then work on ways to keep that door open. Then go to unlforfamilies.unl.edu and let us know what you discovered.
