Jeanette Friesen, Extension Educator
University of Nebraska Cooperative Extension
"Mommy, Ben just took my truck away." "It's my turn to choose the TV program." "No, it isn't, it's mine." "I won the game, and you didn't." Sound familiar? A certain amount of tattling, bickering and teasing is inevitable between siblings. However, how a parent handles these situations will make a great difference on the intensity and length of the conflicts.
When children tattle, bicker and tease it is often a struggle for power, an attempt to get attention or wanting to boost their feeling of self-worth. As a parent, you want your children to trust you to help them when needed, but just when should you intervene? How much referring should you do? How can you keep the conflicts to a minimum?
Here are a few ideas you might try:
Tattling - Be sure your children know that if a sibling is in danger, they are definitely to tell you or another adult. But usually, the tattling child is wanting to feel power over the other by pointing out a rule they feel should be enforced. When you take sides, it gives power to that child. Instead, ask the child to tell what they were doing, not their brother or sister. Direct them to go back and do what is right for them to do instead of focusing on the sibling's actions.
Teasing - One rule each family should have and enforce is "No put-downs allowed." A child's feeling of self-worth is fragile. Each one should be appreciated for their individual differences and contributions to the family, not put down or made fun of for not being just like a brother or sister.
Parents can help your children understand that they cannot control what is said about them, but they do have a choice in how they respond to it. Often teasing is done just to get a reaction. If there is no reaction, or a different one than expected (like agreeing with the statement or responding with a compliment), the situation is often diffused.
Bickering - Fighting over toys or whose turn it is are often the basis for sibling bickering. When parents try to intervene and settle the argument, they usually don't hear the whole story and come to a wrong conclusion. This reinforces the fighting for the "winner" and frustrates the "loser." Instead, directing the children to work out their own solution is doing everyone a favor. One idea is to put the toy (or other possession being fought over) in "time out" until the siblings figure out a way to share. They will learn a lot about problem solving, and soon find that working out solutions is much more effective than bickering. Parents can encourage problem solving by rewarding their children whenever they hear them trying to solve a problem or suggesting a compromise. Let them know ahead of time that you will be noticing and keeping track of their good behavior. After a set number of stars or checks, they will get a special treat or reward.
Try some of these ideas with your children. When they know you will not be their personal "problem solver" they will learn to find solutions on their own.
Let us know how these ideas have worked in your family, or send us other ideas that have worked for you. Go to unlforfamilies.unl.edu and click on TIPS.
Written by Jeanette Friesen, UN Extension Educator.
