Myrna DuBois, Extension Educator
University of Nebraska Cooperative Extension
Ask most any group of adults about rejection when they were a child, and you will likely get an emotional response. The experience many people feel when they are young stays with them for a lifetime. It can affect self confidence and ability to move ahead in a job, and it can lead to depression and discouragement. This can continue to influence them years after the actual experiences take place.
Visit most any play ground. See that child standing over there by themselves? It’s a common site anywhere. These children may not be actively bullied, which is a different though related topic, but they are simply ignored. They are not included in the play activities or the conversations of their peers.
Sit in the lunchroom. See how backs are turned on certain children. No one invites them to sit with them, waves to them from across the room, or smiles when they approach.
Is there something within these children that causes the rejection? No. In fact, in many cases it is simply random. The children doing the rejecting may not realize they are doing it. They may not have consciously decided to reject a specific child. In fact, they may not have thought of that child at all. In other cases, some children become so involved in appearing "popular", that being part of the in-crowd becomes overly important to them. This may lead to selecting certain children as part of the out-crowd.
A child who is rejected may develop certain traits that would be quite different if they were included. A child with a quiet nature may become an intensely private child who avoids other children. Had they been included, would they be more outgoing and comfortable? Quite possibly. A child who does not see themselves as attractive may give up on their appearance and not emphasize the attractive traits they do have. A child who is genuinely intelligent may feel dumb because they are not part of a group of friends.
Certainly children tend to gravitate towards people with whom they have something in common. That is normal. The thing to avoid is doing this to the exclusion of other children who need friendships. They do not need to be "best friends" with a child they don’t feel is similar to themselves, but they can avoid hurting their feelings or leaving them standing on the fringes.
Adults can help this situation by keeping their eyes open. Do not allow children with whom you are working to leave others out. Make a rule about including everyone. Praise children for including everyone. Do not talk about anyone in negative terms yourself.
If your child is the rejected one, offer encouragement. Having one good friend is enough. Encourage them if they have one friend to not worry about the others. Tell them they don’t need any other child’s permission to join in a group activity, to sit a certain place, or to participate in a discussion. Encourage them in their particular skills. Often children are absolutely amazed at a particular skill that a rejected child has. If your child can draw, sing, dance, ice skate, whistle, or explain the solar system, try to help them have an opportunity to do that in front of other children. Those children who were simply ignoring them may take a turn for the better.
If you think your own child might be a rejecter, encourage them to include all children. Remind them of their responsibility as a leader in their group to be kind and thoughtful to others.
Let us know what you think. Go to unlforfamilies.unl.edu and click on TIPS. Or call your county UNL Cooperative Extension office.
