Lynne Osborn, Extension Educator
University of Nebraska Cooperative Extension
Sometimes getting a child to cooperate seems impossible and desperate parents grasp at that last, final strategy - the BRIBE! Please, Susie. If you will quit screaming, as soon as I finish buying groceries I will buy you any toy you want. Just stop. People are looking. Wouldn’t you like that new Barbie?
What the parent is actually doing is distracting the child from what the child wants to do so the child will do what the parent wants. This probably works for a while, but is generally ineffective in the long run. The next time Susie wants a toy, what will her behavior be? Will she ask for the toy or throw a tantrum to get it? Since the tantrum worked before, it will probably work again.
Bribes are addictive. Children learn that they only need to do something if there is a reward attached.
There is a difference between a bribe and a gift or celebration. Generally a bribe is offered ahead of time or a child expects something as a reason for behavior. A parent who tells a child that he will get $5.00 for every A is offering a bribe. A parent who offers an impromptu celebration meal after an improved report card is offering a gift and encouragement.
In her book, The Parent’s Toolshop, Jody Pawel, suggests that you look at the following to help you determine if you are offering a bribe or not:
Motive. If you are offering a payoff to motivate a child, it is a bribe.
Emphasis. If the payoff is more important than the value of the task itself, it is a bribe.
Timing. If the parent presents the payoff or reward "I’ll give you an ice cream cone if you clean your room" it’s a bribe. If the idea is the child’s and the parent is agreeable to some negotiation "When your room is clean with the toys all put away and your bed is made then you can have an ice cream cone" then it’s not a bribe.
Words. Small changes in the way we word requests can change a bribe into motivation. State the task first "When I see that you have finished mowing the lawn" then state the motivation or appropriate reward "I’ll know you are ready to go swimming."
There are many tasks and behaviors children need to do just to help others or to grow in maturity and responsibility that have no reward other than the personal satisfaction of a job well done and that feeling of inner pride.
This week work on encouraging your child to accomplish tasks without resorting to bribery. Then log on to unlforfamilies.unl.edu, click on TIPS and let us know how your change from bribery to motivation is coming along.
