Lynne Osborn, Extension Educator
University of Nebraska Cooperative Extension
The most common way for parents to set limits and to refuse requests is a simple two letter word - NO. But this little word represents power and control For such a small word it ignites huge power struggles even though it often is successful for a short time. Children who hear NO 24/7 learn to use the word when they want control.
It is important for parents to set limits. The trick is to state them without using the word NO. Switching from negative to positive is such a simple thing that accomplishes a great deal. Instead of NO! You can’t eat the popsicle in the living room say The rule is we eat popsicles at the kitchen table or outside.
Small children who are still learning to influence and control their world learn very quickly that NO is a good way to have power over adults. They learn when they say NO to a parent they get all kinds of attention. It might be negative, but hey, to them negative attention is better than none.
Older children see NO as a power play by parents and often rebel against that control. And the power struggle escalates with every NO.
An important fact to remember is that you should save NO for dangerous situations. NO, you may not go to an all night keg party or No! The stove is hot.
What can a parent do? Next week we will give you six alternative suggestions from The Parent’s Toolshop by Jody Pawel to use instead of NO.
This week, become aware of the number of times you say NO to your children in one day. The next day, try to switch from negative to positive. Keep at it. NO is a difficult habit to unlearn. And your children will probably look at you like you have lost your mind! But it does work. Try it.
If your young child has begun saying NO to you, observe your reactions. What payoff is your child getting from your reaction? Is it attention? Power? Control? Can you re-word your request so it is more difficult for your child to say NO? Maybe you can offer a choice. Try some different techniques and see if any of them help.
Remember that you still need to set limits and to save NO for dangerous situations. Log on to unlforfamilies.unl.edu, click on TIPS and let us know how you are doing eliminating NO.
