Ruth Vonderohe, Extension Educator
University of Nebraska Cooperative Extension
Do you feel that your child is using tantrums as a tool to get his or her own way? Do you truly believe your toddler can push your buttons?
If these statements are true in your mind, here are some TIPS to assist you during these times. Be aware, if you are a volatile person it may be very easy for your child to trip your trigger and you end up in a screaming match with no winners. You can send a very clear message when you ignore his/her fits or walk away. This teaches him/her that tantrums are not acceptable. This is part of toddler discipline.
Frustration tantrums, on the other hand, require empathy. Take these emotional outbursts as an opportunity to bond with your child. Offer a helping hand, a comforting "It's okay." Help him/her out where he feels frustrated at not being able to accomplish a task. This way you establish your authority and build your child's trust. Direct his efforts toward a more manageable part of a task. For example, if he throws one of the common "I'll do it myself" fits about putting on his sock, you start it halfway onto the foot and he can pull it on the rest of the way. Sit down at eye level and say, "Tell mommy what you want." That encourages him to use words or body language to communicate his feelings and needs so that he doesn't have to act them out in displays of anger.
Three Ways to Prevent Tantrums
Practice attachment parenting. Studies have shown that infants who are carried a lot and whose cues are sensitively responded to are more mellow, less prone to tantrums and are able to ride the waves of emotional upsets without falling apart so drastically. Because they operate from an inner peace, they are less prone to impulsive behavior or angry outbursts. Children, however, who are parented with less attachment are less able to recover from emotional storms. Attached parents can read their child so well that they naturally create conditions that minimize tantrum behavior.
Minimize the triggers. Tantrums usually occur at the worst time for parents, on the phone, at the supermarket, or busy with your agenda. Think about it! The very circumstances that make a tantrum inconvenient for you are what set the toddler up for a tantrum. Wise parents avoid situations that lead to emotional overload in their children. Keep a diary, noting what sets your child off, this will help you analyze your observations. Learn from this and try not to repeat it. (Example: Your child behaves better during meal preparations when he is allowed to help and nibble a little.) Even with your best efforts, tantrums will still erupt from time to time. Try to diffuse them early. Know your toddler's pre-tantrum signs - body language that signals the storm is coming. Watch for body language such as a red face, or hearing words of anger being mumbled. Allow the child one or two tries and then intervene.
Know your anger buttons. Some toddlers' behaviors push parents' anger buttons a lot, and some parents have very sensitive buttons. The combination of the tantrum-prone child and a parent with a short fuse is at risk for major conflicts. As a parent you need to respond in a mature manner, identify which behaviors cause you to blow easily, and assess how you react to your toddler. If you regress to tantrum behavior yourself, seek professional help to get your buttons reset.
