UNL NU For Families - TIPS - 43

TIPS
And The Winner Is . . .

Lynne Osborn, Extension Educator
University of Nebraska Cooperative Extension

The power struggle. The most annoying and frustrating part of parenting. Who wins? Who loses? What can parents do without losing their slippery hold on sanity?

Power struggles are a normal part of parenting and they begin soon after birth when your baby discovers a cry will bring you running in the middle of the night. It’s reassuring to know that power struggles are just a normal part of your child’s quest for independence and self. To help parents cope, there are a few techniques to help cut down on the number of power struggles and maybe help prevent them altogether.

Don’t overreact. Parents who overreact in a power struggle lose authority over their children.
Have a few rules and stick to them. These should reflect your personal values and goals. They can be rules like:
- No put downs.
- TV only after homework is finished.
- Everyone helps after meals.
- And so on.
Write them down. Post them in a prominent place. Then don’t over- explain or renegotiate. Just say "Sorry. That is against the rules." And point to the list.
Focus on what is important. Ask yourself: "Is this really a battle I want?" Will the world come to a stop if a bed isn’t made? Or if the clothing selection is a bit odd? Concentrate on issues that will truly affect your child’s well being.
Have realistic expectations. Don’t expect kids to act like adults (we don’t always behave that well anyway). Consider your kid’s age and the corresponding age-appropriate behavior.
Establish an environment that encourages your kids to go along with your agenda. Many power struggles involve the body - eating, sleeping, dressing, hygiene. Give your child limited choices in these areas. These choices will give your child a sense of power.
Spend positive time with your child. Some power struggles happen because the child feels ignored and needs some "parent time."
Get into your child’s rhythm. Dawdling is normal for children and not a challenge to your authority. Time runs much slower for kids than the hectic pace of working parents.
Avoid disagreements when pressed for time. When parent or child is tired or stressed the potential for gigantic disagreements is huge.
Be creative. Power struggles can be derailed with creative solutions. Can’t get your child to make the bed? Try to think of something that would encourage bed-making every morning.

There are eight good questions to ask yourself when a power struggle is looming on the horizon:

1.	Is my child’s health or safety at stake?
2.	Am I fighting for a deeply held value?
3.	Am I worried about others’ opinions?
4.	Is this a body issue? Sleeping? Eating? Dressing?
5.	Is my resistance a knee-jerk reaction?
6.	Do the benefits to my child (a sense of mastery, a new learning experience) outweigh the negatives?
7.	Is my child’s behavior violating an established household rule?
8.	Can I accommodate my child without compromising my own beliefs?

If you answered yes to questions 1, 2, 6, or 7, it’s probably a battle worth fighting. If you answered yes to questions 3, 4, 5, or 8, let it go. It’s not worth the energy or the aggravation.

This week work on lessening or even eliminating the power struggles in your home. Then log onto unlforfamilies.unl.edu and let us know how it went.

Source: Parent-Child Power Struggles: How to Handle Them, NF 96-311, by Herb Lingren, UNL Extension Family Scientist.

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