Lynne Osborn, Extension Educator
University of Nebraska Cooperative Extension
It’s so difficult to be a parent. And probably the 2 most difficult concepts to master are discipline and punishment. What to do, when to do it, how to do it, what works and what doesn’t will be our focus for the next few weeks.
The terms discipline and punishment are often misunderstood. We tend to confuse them and use them interchangeably. But they do not mean the same thing.
The dictionary defines discipline as "a system of rules governing conduct."
Punishment is defined as "retributive suffering, pain, loss, or penalty." The underlying justification for punishment is that children must feel bad to learn their lesson. The term discipline has its roots in the word disciple - a follower who learns from the teachings of another. As you can see, the focus is very different. Discipline refers to a set of attitudes and behaviors that the parent hopes the child will acquire. Discipline is how children learn to live in a social world. Effective discipline combines reasonable firmness with parental warmth. Punishment may be a part of discipline but it should not be a major part.
In addition to some excellent resources available from the University of Nebraska, there are many books currently on the market that offer some excellent advice and thoughts about discipline and punishment. Some books that support current research in the parenting area are The Parent’s Toolshop by Jody Pawel, LSW; The 10 Basic Principles of Good Parenting by Laurence Steinberg, Ph.D.; Yes, Your Teen is Crazy! By Michael Bradley, Ed.D.; and The 10 Greatest Gifts I Give My Children by Steven Vannoy. Information from research and from these books will be included in the next few weeks’ articles.
Children with self-discipline know that their behavior is their choice. They know that there are negative consequences from misbehavior. Parents need to discuss the consequences of misbehavior with the child. How? And what do you say? Do it this way. Ask the first question (tailor the question to the situation), then wait until your child answers. If you believe the answer is incomplete or shows that your child doesn’t understand, ask it again in a different way. When the answer satisfies you, ask the next question. And the next question until you can state the rule and the discipline required if the rule isn’t followed. For example: 1. "What could happen if you roller-blade in the street?" 2. "Where is a safer place to roller-blade?" 3. "If you roller-blade in the street are you showing me that you can make responsible decisions?" And finally: "So, ok, you can rollerblade on the driveway and on the sidewalk or you can put the rollerblades away. You decide." This approach is more effective than threats - "If you don’t get off the street I will take away your X-Box."
Threats are weird. They really don’t work because our children are smart. They know that for the most part threats are just hot air and often vague and unrealistic - "Stop it or else!" What does that mean? "You’re grounded for six months." Any child worth his salt knows that isn’t going to happen - parents don’t have enough stamina. "Stop by the time I count to three. One, two, three." Most children know they don’t have to do anything until Mom gets to three. And if you yell a threat, children learn that they don’t have to respond until the yelling starts.
What do you do if your attempt at a new type of discipline is ignored? Keep at it. If you have to repeat your request more than once, make it clear that the child’s behavior is not acceptable to you and let the child know that they choose either the discipline or a change of behavior. But the most important thing - keep your cool, your voice low, and always treat your children with respect.
This week, work on switching from punishment to discipline. Practice asking your children questions to lead them to making responsible decisions to change their behaviors. Try to get your children to improve their behavior without resorting to threats. Then log on to unlforfamilies.unl.edu and tell us what you think and if it worked.
