Lynne Osborn, Extension Educator
University of Nebraska Cooperative Extension
To say that a parent should never use physical punishment does not mean that children should be allowed to run amok. Children still need rules and limits. Children need to learn how to be responsible for their own behavior. To help them do this, parents need to use discipline to teach children self-discipline, self-control, and self-responsibility and also to help them to learn from their mistakes. (This is assuming that you believe that children can learn from their mistakes.)
Discipline is ineffective when parents simply punish children for misbehaviors. When parents are more concerned that their child conforms to rules than in learning and developing life skills, then discipline is ineffective. Ineffective discipline emphasizes correcting bad behavior. When discipline is ineffective, children learn to obey rules only when an authority figure is present.
For discipline to be effective it has to be consistent. It has to be related to the behavior. It has to occur as soon as possible. It is respectful to both parents and child. And it is proactive. If any of these parts are missing then you are not using discipline— you are using punishment.
Consistency is tough. Some days you are just too tired and it’s easy to let misbehavior slide. Parents can’t be 100 percent consistent but there needs to be some level of consistency for children to learn and to feel self-confident.
Kathy Bosch, UNL Extension Specialist, Family Life Education, suggests that parents consider four aspects of consistent discipline:
There needs to be consistency from situation to situation. Rules need to be consistent and the consequences and follow-through also need to be consistent. You can’t allow touch football in the living room one day and forbid it the next day.
Parents need to set common rules and agree on how to discipline their children. Inconsistency between parents causes children to play one parent against the other.
Practice what you preach. Children learn values and beliefs more by the examples their parents set than by verbal instructions.
Strive for consistency between your verbal and nonverbal messages. Often times the message a parent sends is not the same message the child receives. Mixed messages are confusing to a child.
Discipline needs to be related to the child’s behavior. Sitting a child in a time-out chair for destroying your neighbor’s tulips might give him time to think about the misbehavior. To relate the discipline to the behavior a course of action might be to apologize, then have the child replace the tulips - paid for with allowance money or with labor of some kind for the neighbor - then help plant them and care for them.
Discipline should be immediate, if possible. This is why the "wait ‘til your father gets home" type of discipline doesn’t work. We have short attention spans and tend to forget things. We don’t want our children to forget why they are being disciplined.
Be respectful of your child at all times. As the adult you should act and talk with your children in a respectful way and not in a manner that hurts or puts down your child.
Sometimes the best way to discipline is to anticipate difficulties and take steps to avoid them. Being in touch with your children will help you understand what is going on in your child’s head. You will have a better understanding of what is behind your children’s words and actions.
Source: Consistency in Discipline, NF 93-153, revised October 2003 by Kathy Bosch and Discipline - An Effective Life Guide, G90-985 by Herb Lingren.
