Lynne Osborn, Extension Educator
University of Nebraska Cooperative Extension
One of the basic laws of nature is that every action has a natural consequence—either positive or negative. Children can learn that the decisions they make will determine whether they will experience a positive or a negative outcome. And that any suffering a child experiences as a result of a poor behavior choice is a natural result of that choice. This allows a child to learn from a mistake—if a parent doesn’t mount a rescue maneuver. A parent should only use this technique if the natural consequence will be safe or if the consequence will be immediate instead of far into the future. Sometimes there isn’t a natural consequence so another technique is needed.
Restrictions are usually power plays. They should seldom be used. And when restriction is used the child should be involved in the discussion so the parent isn’t doing it to the child. Restrictions should probably be related to the abuse of a privilege. Having toys is a privilege. If they are neglected or not taken care of, then losing the right to play with the toys for a short time seems reasonable. Throwing away the toys would be unreasonable.
Another idea to consider is that restricting a child from an activity because of a misbehavior that has nothing to do with the activity seems unreasonable. If it is a team sport or cheerleading or a youth organization, for example, you are forcing your child to back out of the commitment she made to the other members of the team or group. If the misbehavior was related to the activity, then probably the best person to restrict participation would be the coach or leader. Is it necessary for the parent to also impose some type of discipline? Probably not. It’s already happened and the best thing for a parent to do is to let the consequence occur. Parents can help the child think of ways to make amends to the team or group.
Time-outs are often misunderstood and misused. They are most effective when used to help a child who has lost self-control. A parent can say “You can stop hitting your brother right now or you can sit on the kitchen bench and think until you calm down. When you have calmed down you can join me in the family room and we will talk about it.” In Parent’s Toolshop, Jody Pawel suggests that children who get their energy from other people do not benefit from a time out where they are isolated. In fact, she believes that a time-out will make the behavior of these children worse. If you have tried a time-out with your child and it didn’t work, don’t isolate the child during time-out. Make the time-out location in the middle of the action or even on your lap.
Some last points to make about time-out:
Don’t use a timer, it just teaches children that they don’t have to calm down until the timer goes off. Plus, it puts the timer and the parent in control of the child instead of the child learning self-control.
Forget about the one minute per year rule. A more reasonable length of time is when the child has regained self-control.
After a time out for regaining self-control, don’t discuss the misbehavior again. It will just emphasize the behavior you want to eliminate. If the time-out was for a more serious problem, then some discussion and problem solving with your child would be in order.
Sometimes you can benefit from your own time out. When you are angry and need to regain that self-control, think about removing yourself from the situation until you are calm. Go for a walk, shut yourself in the bathroom, or work in the garden for example. Then when you are calm, you can do some constructive problem solving.
Discipline is a tough task for parents. Keep your cool and stay consistent. Talk to your child, head most of the problem off at the pass and deal lovingly with those you can’t avoid. You can do it! This week try some of the techniques discussed in this article.
Log on to unlforfamilies.unl.edu and let us know if you’ve made any changes in how you discipline your children.
