Lynne Osborn, Extension Educator
University of Nebraska Cooperative Extension
There is a big difference between cooperation and obedience. To increase children's cooperation, parents have to change the attitudes that start power struggles. Children are not like dogs. Dogs obey commands. Children cooperate.
Cooperation is not the same as permissiveness. In a permissive home, children do nothing. Their parents do too much. Cooperation is a team approach - everyone in the family has responsibilities.
When parents demand obedience, children often resist. No one likes being told what to do. Most of us are willing to do whatever is asked of us if asked in a respectful manner.
Cooperation lessens power struggles and allows children to develop self-discipline. They learn to think for themselves. And best of all, encouraging cooperation in your family almost always works.
One effective way to encourage cooperation is to offer choices with limits. When you offer your children choices with limits you shift from giving commands and ordering to options within your limits and rules.
Some principles you need to remember when offering choices:
Don't offer a choice if you don't want your child to have a choice. "Do you want to go to school today?" This sounds like your child has a choice of whether or not to go to school. "The dishes need washed, ok?" sounds like you are asking your child to agree or not. Say what you really mean.
Let your child know your bottom line, what needs to be done and then give choices that fit those limits. A bottom line is the minimum behavior allowed and is non-negotiable. "Grandma is coming to visit this week-end. Your room needs to be clean by Saturday. Do you want to do it all at one time or do a little bit every day? You decide."
Make choices respectful to all. When you make a choice sound like a threat you are engaging in a power play. "You put that doll up or I will give it to some little girl who knows how to take care of it." A more respectful choice would be "You can play with your doll or put it away. You decide."
Let your child offer choices. When you say "We have the choices of omelets or pancakes for breakfast unless you have an idea for something else nutritious" you are offering your child a choice and also stating the bottom line. Otherwise your child might suggest non-nutritious chocolate cake for breakfast. Don't be overly strict about your children selecting one of your choices. That could lead to a power struggle. You goal is to share power and to teach your child the skill of cooperation.
How could you offer choices in the following situations?
1. 3-year-old Emily wants to play in the sand box in her Sunday Church clothes.
2. 6-year-old Kara refuses to let you wash her hair.
3. 11-year-old Bob resists doing homework.
4. 16-year-old Ryan wants a summer job.
This week practice giving choices within limits.
Call the Dundy County University of Nebraska Cooperative Extension office at 423-2021 or 800-485-0219 or e-mail us at losborn1@unl.edu and let us know how your choices exercises worked.
