Myrna DuBois, Extension Educator
University of Nebraska Cooperative Extension
It can be a very difficult thing to discover that your much loved little boy or girl has become the victim of bullies. You can feel angry, frustrated, and helpless, all at the same time.
Let’s consider what not to do, first. It is very important to understand that we can’t always solve problems by expecting to change the behavior of another person. The human tendency is to want to call the teacher, the principal, or the bully’s parents, and tell them to have their child stop. Unfortunately, the main effect that often has is that the bullying just gets worse. Now the bully has an extra tool to use in teasing your child - adding such phrases as "mamma’s boy" to the mix of things they often say to your child.
It’s not that other adults should never be contacted. In situations where grave danger or serious abuse is happening, immediate and serious steps may need to be taken, sometimes even including getting the law involved. In the common bullying situation, however, there is a more effective and more powerful way to help your child avoid being a victim of bullies.
That way is simply called self confidence. Help your child build up self confidence, and the bully no longer has any leverage. Teach your child how to walk with self confidence. Even if they feel scared inside, simply the way they walk can help them appear less vulnerable. It needs to be a natural, casual walk, but they can learn to walk with their heads up, their shoulders straight. Work on the look on their face. If they look scared or shy, the bully picks up on that quickly. Teach them to relax the face, put a smile on, look people directly in the eye. That may not come naturally to them, but it is something they can learn.
Work with your children on their reaction. What do they usually do when the bully says things to them? Do they become angry? Do they cry? Do they look shocked or embarrassed? It is those reactions the bully is looking for. Teach your children new reactions they can use. Using their new confident walk, their more relaxed facial expression, they can simply walk away. If the bully is getting no reaction, they may lose interest. Sometimes an unexpected reply can help, particularly if your child is normally talkative. Kids use phrases such as "I know you are" in response to what other kids say, and while this may be irritating to adults, it is often effective at putting an end to the comments. For example, if the bully says "Look, here’s the wimpy little mamma’s boy", if your child responds "I know you are", it can take the bully by surprise.
One child who had been bullied mercilessly started flicking her fingers at the bully, as if she was flicking away an insect. This, coupled with a more confident walk and facial expression, finally managed to eliminate the bullying.
Help your children develop self confidence by focusing on their skills, interests, and on the friendships they do have. Trying to simply stop the behavior of the bully by telling them to stop won’t help. Your children can learn to walk, look, and talk with self confidence, and it will help them not only overcome the bullying, it will help them with other aspects of life.
This week if you believe your child is being bullied, try some of these tips. Then log on to unlforfamilies.unl.edu, click on TIPS and let us know what you did.
