TIPS For Families

Written by:  Dr. Kathy Bosch, Ph.D., CFLE, Extension Specialist,
Family Life Education, University of Nebraska
University of Nebraska-Lincoln Extension
Building Strong Families

Even the most compatible, passionate, and loving couple will have conflict at times.  Conflict itself is not bad.  It is the way conflict is dealt with, that may cause problems.  If conflict does not serve a purpose or solve a problem it can cause disruption and chaos.  However, couples who do not have open conflict probably ignore issues that need attention.  Couples* with a strong relationship can handle conflict, negotiate and resolve some problems, and agree to disagree on some issues without destroying their relationship.

Fair fighting

Children should not be purposely used as an audience or for support during parental fights.  However, children can learn some valuable skills when watching their parents “fight fairly.” What does “fighting fairly” mean?  Check to see if you are using some of the techniques in “fair fighting.”  For example, not putting each other down, not devaluing each other, not calling names, not losing your temper, not blaming, looking at both sides, taking time to cool down, having mutual respect for each other, and dealing with conflict instead of avoiding or ignoring it, and if necessary, being willing to get help from a 3^rd party.  

Choose when children should hear or be involved

Children have a special knack for hearing things through walls and around corners!  Make sure you have most of your heated arguments in private.  However, there may be some occasions when you choose to involve your children in the discussion.  Remember, though, that children should not be treated as adults or given adult responsibilities or concerns.  You are the parent and therefore responsible for taking care of your children.  Pretending things are always okay is not the best way to go either.  Use your common sense.  Children need to feel loved and secure and want to know you love them and that parents love each other.  If children hear too much arguing they will be scared and wonder if it is their fault.  But they also need to learn how to handle conflict in a healthy manner.

Self-check on couple conflict

When love and mutual respect are present in a partner relationship, you will not intentionally devalue or hurt the other person.  Occasionally, you may say or do something that hurts the other person.  Be willing to say you are sorry for what you have said or done.  It will be helpful for you to do a self-check on how you handle conflict.

Conflict need not be avoided because children are present.  When witnessing their parents disagreeing, children can learn how to appropriately deal with problems, conflict and anger.  This is an opportunity for parents to role model techniques that demonstrate love, respect, commitment, and trust between family members.  Problems and conflict can be managed effectively so  partners do not hurt or devalue each other.  Partners will enhance their relationship when they tackle and resolve problems that can be resolved, agree that some issues may not be resolved, and respect each other throughout the disagreement or conflict.  In addition they will be teaching their children valuable skills they can use in their relationships.   

*If abuse is present in the relationship, the interests of the abusive partner should not be put above the well-being of dependent children.  For help call the Nebraska Statewide Domestic Violence/Sexual Assault Hotline at 800-876-6238 or National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 (voice) and 800-787-3224 (TDD).

If you wish to leave feedback about this TIPS for Families, click on the TIPS Feedback Form! link below.  For more information on parenting go to the University of Nebraska-Lincoln publication website at www.ianrpub.unl.edu and click on Families.